Cheers to the Strong and Brave

At 18, I was fresh out of high school and just starting my university career. A time to meet life long lasting friends, have great times celebrating youth and finding out who you are as a person. As someone who was always independent I never had any intentions of being in a relationship so young, but sometimes the unplanned happens.

I met him online via Facebook. He was an older fellow who at first used his charm to win my trust. He did everything perfectly. He used one of our common friends to strike up a conversation and built a relationship from there. He was fascinating to me with his years of adventures, and experience. He was certainly not boring at all. He dabbled in everything from being an international model and travelling the world, to owning a tattoo shop, to being a personal trainer. It seemed like we had so much to talk about because he had done everything I wanted to.

He was very confident which is an attractive trait, and seemed to be so open and honest. We talked online and through text for almost a month before finally meeting.  The first few dates were like living a romantic movie. We dinned in private booths at the fanciest restaurants, and went on hikes to secluded areas where he had set up picnics. I truly felt like a queen and thought, “this man knows how to treat a woman with respect.” Sadly, as time went on I found out I was mistaken.

Let’s name this man Carl. He was in his thirties so had dated more than a few women in his days. He was also looking for a wife, but not a partner type wife. He was looking for a trophy wife. Someone he could show off to all his friends and who had no thoughts, she was just meant to look good on display.  I didn’t understand that at first. I thought he was obsessed with my beauty because I was a model as well, and was used to being complimented on my looks. I was unaware that was a main factor of his affection.

He used words to play on the emotions of everyone. I started noticing how he would interact with his friends and family. It was when I saw how he manipulated his mother that I started seeing through his words. I also knew he was an actor but had never met someone who treated life like a stage. Everything he said and did was fake. He had no real friends because he wasn’t real with anyone. He used his charm or anger to get what he wanted, and then would treat people like crap. He would then later get angry they wouldn’t help him further. It was a psychotic way of thinking, yet being in a relationship with him I understood his tactics.

He used guilt, rage and fear to get what he needed. He was a person who wanted to be pitied but also be respected.  He was verbally and physically aggressive and abusive. At first his words hurt but soon enough his actions got repetitive, and I stopped caring. He would tell me how “heartless and cold” I was and I would just agree, which made him angrier. He wanted someone to fight for his love, but he didn’t understand that blackmailing me wasn’t the way to make me grateful of him.        

I also found out that he was an addict, and alcoholic and scam artist. This explain a lot of his erratic behavior. He would slip vodka into his morning juice to start his day and worked in construction so was able to drink beer all day. It was when he got laid off that this his addiction became apparent. He had gone broke and couldn’t afford groceries, so I brought some over one day when he wasn’t home and saw the only thing in his fridge was a bottle of vodka and a few beer. The garbage cans were filled to the rim with empty cans but there was no food in his house. Seriously, he didn’t even have bread and butter. I did notice he had a few prescriptions. Usually I’m not one to snoop but in this case I did. I found out they were painkillers and narcotics and looked up symptoms of withdrawal.  I felt like a detective piecing all these components together.

I did some deep research on Google and found people had written a blog about Carl for scamming them. I was so ashamed that I had been fooled by such a dishonest, and hated person. Perhaps, he wasn’t so bad sober but that is something I’ll never know.

He was not only addicted to pills and drinking but he had also become addicted to me. I wasn’t allowed to have my phone when I entered his house and wasn’t allowed to see my friends without his permission. He was so controlling and obsessive that I started becoming dishonest myself and sneaking around to have my freedom.

The last time I saw Carl was several months after I had left him. He said he was sorry and wanted to give me my stuff I had left behind and pay me back for everything I had loaned him. As a student I really needed those funds so agreed to meet him but brought my friends. They waited in the car while I attempted to get back what was mine. As I should’ve known it was all a trick. I entered his place where he proceeded to propose to me six months after I had left. I rejected him politely and said I was purely there for my things and wanted to leave. He snapped within the minute. He went from saying I love you to making threats out of anger. I think it also stems from insecurities but that is my assumption. I ended up walking away without anything because my dignity and safety are priceless.

This was the hardest relationship I’ve been through and this post just scratches the surface. However, I am able to recognize warning signs in others that resemble Carl’s behavior. If anyone has been in a abusive relationship they’ll understand the struggle it is to want to stay in love but also the struggle to love yourself enough to walk away.

Cheers to strong and the brave.