Skating Under The Stars

I’ve never been a graceful person. I underestimate the length of my limbs often, and make rather clumsy movements. Even when playing sports I was put on defense because of my height and lack of coordination. So when asked to do something that makes me feel uncomfortable I knew the perfect situation.

Last week I went to Jasper, Alberta for a wedding. As part of the celebration there was a nightly skate after the rehearsal dinner. Now, I am no skater. I am more like Bambi on ice, so I decided to skip the skate. I didn’t want to injure or embarrass myself in front of so many people. Especially since most of the guys all played hockey in the men’s league. I was kind of disappointed I didn’t get to skate under the stars and by the mountains, but I got over it pretty quickly.

However, it still kind of bugged me until I got back home to Edmonton. My boyfriend plays hockey two to three times a week and makes skating look effortless. He’s been skating for almost 25 years, so when I saw this challenge I asked him to teach me how to skate. We gathered our gear and headed to a near by outdoor rink. It was perfect because the kids hockey game was just ending by the time we got there. Watching eight-year olds skate laps around the rink made me somewhat jealous but also excited. I hadn’t laced up a pair of skate in almost 10 years. The last time I had gone skating was for a friend’s birthday in elementary school.

Once I had my skates on I was ready to hit the ice, except I couldn’t even walk in the skates. It reminded me the first time I had to walk in heels. My legs were wobbly and I felt like my ankles were about to snap. I was grabbing onto anything I could to keep my balance and I wasn’t even on the ice yet. When I finally reached the ice I held onto boyfriend very tightly, as if I were about to fall off the CN Tower. He began by skating backwards and I asked him to slow down, even though all I had to do was stand there. It was terrifying, and I was extremely nervous of hurting myself. At that moment he thought it was going to be disastrous because I couldn’t even handle just standing on the ice while he pulled me.

However I was determined.  I was thankful to have my partner who was an excellent skater by my side to help me. He never let me go and took me on a few laps until I got used to the sensation of the bumpy ice beneath my feet. I was sweating the entire time. He asked if I had brought the hot pads in my gloves and I hadn’t...I was just so scared the heat from my hands was seeping through the material.

He brought me over to the edge of the rink so I could grab onto something other than him for a minute. He wanted to show me how to move my feet and bend my knees in order to maintain my balance. I was very slow and cautious but surely started skating on my own. I felt awkward and unnatural and probably looked worse than it felt. My arms were flailing and my lanky legs we’re not aligning with the rest of my body.

After a few laps I started getting the hang of it. I mean, I was no Olympian but I was starting to look and feel like I was an average skater. I loved the smell of the cool, crisp night and the freedom I felt from skating. Similar to riding a bike with the wind breathing fresh air in your face, you feel alive.

I was so proud of myself for not falling once. Although I wouldn’t have cared if I had fell, it made me feel confident in myself. It was a good reminder to continue to try new things every now and then because things change and you could be surprised by the outcome.

Cheers to the Strong and Brave

At 18, I was fresh out of high school and just starting my university career. A time to meet life long lasting friends, have great times celebrating youth and finding out who you are as a person. As someone who was always independent I never had any intentions of being in a relationship so young, but sometimes the unplanned happens.

I met him online via Facebook. He was an older fellow who at first used his charm to win my trust. He did everything perfectly. He used one of our common friends to strike up a conversation and built a relationship from there. He was fascinating to me with his years of adventures, and experience. He was certainly not boring at all. He dabbled in everything from being an international model and travelling the world, to owning a tattoo shop, to being a personal trainer. It seemed like we had so much to talk about because he had done everything I wanted to.

He was very confident which is an attractive trait, and seemed to be so open and honest. We talked online and through text for almost a month before finally meeting.  The first few dates were like living a romantic movie. We dinned in private booths at the fanciest restaurants, and went on hikes to secluded areas where he had set up picnics. I truly felt like a queen and thought, “this man knows how to treat a woman with respect.” Sadly, as time went on I found out I was mistaken.

Let’s name this man Carl. He was in his thirties so had dated more than a few women in his days. He was also looking for a wife, but not a partner type wife. He was looking for a trophy wife. Someone he could show off to all his friends and who had no thoughts, she was just meant to look good on display.  I didn’t understand that at first. I thought he was obsessed with my beauty because I was a model as well, and was used to being complimented on my looks. I was unaware that was a main factor of his affection.

He used words to play on the emotions of everyone. I started noticing how he would interact with his friends and family. It was when I saw how he manipulated his mother that I started seeing through his words. I also knew he was an actor but had never met someone who treated life like a stage. Everything he said and did was fake. He had no real friends because he wasn’t real with anyone. He used his charm or anger to get what he wanted, and then would treat people like crap. He would then later get angry they wouldn’t help him further. It was a psychotic way of thinking, yet being in a relationship with him I understood his tactics.

He used guilt, rage and fear to get what he needed. He was a person who wanted to be pitied but also be respected.  He was verbally and physically aggressive and abusive. At first his words hurt but soon enough his actions got repetitive, and I stopped caring. He would tell me how “heartless and cold” I was and I would just agree, which made him angrier. He wanted someone to fight for his love, but he didn’t understand that blackmailing me wasn’t the way to make me grateful of him.        

I also found out that he was an addict, and alcoholic and scam artist. This explain a lot of his erratic behavior. He would slip vodka into his morning juice to start his day and worked in construction so was able to drink beer all day. It was when he got laid off that this his addiction became apparent. He had gone broke and couldn’t afford groceries, so I brought some over one day when he wasn’t home and saw the only thing in his fridge was a bottle of vodka and a few beer. The garbage cans were filled to the rim with empty cans but there was no food in his house. Seriously, he didn’t even have bread and butter. I did notice he had a few prescriptions. Usually I’m not one to snoop but in this case I did. I found out they were painkillers and narcotics and looked up symptoms of withdrawal.  I felt like a detective piecing all these components together.

I did some deep research on Google and found people had written a blog about Carl for scamming them. I was so ashamed that I had been fooled by such a dishonest, and hated person. Perhaps, he wasn’t so bad sober but that is something I’ll never know.

He was not only addicted to pills and drinking but he had also become addicted to me. I wasn’t allowed to have my phone when I entered his house and wasn’t allowed to see my friends without his permission. He was so controlling and obsessive that I started becoming dishonest myself and sneaking around to have my freedom.

The last time I saw Carl was several months after I had left him. He said he was sorry and wanted to give me my stuff I had left behind and pay me back for everything I had loaned him. As a student I really needed those funds so agreed to meet him but brought my friends. They waited in the car while I attempted to get back what was mine. As I should’ve known it was all a trick. I entered his place where he proceeded to propose to me six months after I had left. I rejected him politely and said I was purely there for my things and wanted to leave. He snapped within the minute. He went from saying I love you to making threats out of anger. I think it also stems from insecurities but that is my assumption. I ended up walking away without anything because my dignity and safety are priceless.

This was the hardest relationship I’ve been through and this post just scratches the surface. However, I am able to recognize warning signs in others that resemble Carl’s behavior. If anyone has been in a abusive relationship they’ll understand the struggle it is to want to stay in love but also the struggle to love yourself enough to walk away.

Cheers to strong and the brave.

Mother Nature

There once was a mighty pine tree that grew in a small backyard woods. The woods only spanned across the backyards of about 10 tiny houses, but this tree stood out because it was the only of its kind. The other trees had leaves that changed colors with the seasons, and that split and toppled over during Scotian storms, but this pine tree remained the same. It stayed sturdy and green all year round. The tree also grew directly in the middle of the woods, which just happened to be in my backyard. 

As a 90s child I spent most of my time outside playing with the neighborhood children. Since technology wasn’t as advance as it is today we were forced to use our imaginations to find creative ways to have fun. One of those ways was personifying this pine tree and naming her Mother Nature. We acted as if she was a living spirit contained in the form of a tree. Although Mother Nature has a very different meaning for most people, we were strong believers that the energy we felt from the tree was real.

Mother Nature was a large tree. It was tall enough to climb and overlook the woods, and provided enough room to sit underneath. She provided shade on the hot days,  and shelter from the rain. Her soils were rich, and perhaps by coincidence there were several flat rocks underneath her that we used as chairs. As kids we would set times to meet and would gather around Mother Nature. There were even days I would come home and my friends would already be surrounding her without me. We were grateful to her and would show appreciation to our environment and all of its creatures. By believing in this energy we became aware of our surroundings and were cautious not to upset the balance of nature. In many ways this tree was our higher being, almost God like. We would pray to her for all things good to happen in a natural way. For example, when one of the kids mother was diagnosed with breast cancer we asked Mother Nature to help heal her. I am thankful to say that even in 2015 that mother is still alive and doing well. The energy was so powerful that we felt spiritually connected to do better things.

We kept the woods cleaned from garbage and litter. We raked paths throughout the woods and made mud pies to bring Mother Nature as gifts.  We fed all animals from the birds to the squirrels on Mother Nature's behalf, and didn’t pick flowers because we feared it would hurt her. As ridiculous as this all sounds I am thankful for this imaginative experience. It instilled positive behavior and taught me to respect our planet. I became very caring towards nature, its plants and its animals. It made me an activist growing up and for a long time Earth Day was my favorite day of the year. I joined the recycle club at school and was a vegetarian for several years. I felt it was my duty to do everything within my power to help and sustain a healthy environment.

It also showed me the power of imagination, belief and peer influence. What started off as a fun game slowly became an alternative form of reality.  As I grew older it helped me understand things like religion, peer pressure and energy. I believe that these powerful mindsets have effects that go beyond just the human mind. The energy I felt from that tree was something unexplainable. Whether it was a coincidence or destiny, it was an experience that helped shaped me at a young age. I am grateful to have a loving perspective of this planet, and all of its wonderful elements.

The First Time

It was a hot August day in Bedford, Nova Scotia. I was building a fort in my much cooler basement when the doorbell rang. I leapt from my fort and ran to my front door. There stood my best friends Brooke, and Renee, who also happened to be my neighbors. They were on the way to the park with their babysitter and asked me to join. Excitedly I went downstairs to grab my jump rope, which had been used in the construction my fort. The fort was made of a blanket, my jump rope and an old chair.

Unfortunately there was a staple sticking out of the chair where the fabric was supposed to be secured in place. I wasn’t paying attention and my lanky leg brushed against the staple hard. It sliced through my knee like a knife through a banana and a river of blood began to flood my sock. I screamed so loud in agonizing pain my father rushed to see what was wrong and picked me up like a distressed damsel. He took me to the bathroom to assess the damage and to put pressure on my wound.

I sat on the counter with a washcloth over my knee, looking down at my once beautiful white lace socks that now were almost brown, darkened by my blood.  The tears ran down my face faster than the blood down my leg but it no longer hurt, i was crying in fear. I could see the bone in my knee just barely sticking out like a sandbar in the middle of the ocean. My father told me I needed stitches, so he grabbed my mother and off to the emergency room we went.

It was a long wait, and was the first time I remember going to the hospital. After about two hours I got very bored like a typical restless five year old. So, my father decided he would go home to get my coloring books and crayons. Upon his return I went to meet him at the emergency doors where I also saw my first arrest. There was a man running across the parking lot being chased by two police officers. He was a larger fellow and was unable to fit through the doors quick enough. I was laughing because my father was signing the cops theme song “Bad boys, bad boys, what’cha gonna do when they come for you?” (Bad Boys, Inner Circle)

After about six more hours of waiting and coloring, I was finally able to see a doctor. He gave me 13 stitches in my right knee and I was good to go. Before I left I said to my mother, “I should have brought my blue pants and he could have stitched them too”. I was referring to the pants my cat had shredded with her claws. My mother snickered and we left.

The following week I don’t remember much about, however I do remember starting grade primary. I was not able to bend my knee so went to school a few days early to explain my situation to my teacher. I walked funny with my stiff leg, unable to bend in fear of ripping my stitches but none of the kids seemed to notice. The only time I got asked what was wrong was when we had to sit on the floor campfire style for story time. I either had to sit at the back with my legs straight out, or in a chair with my leg elevated.

Either way, it was not how I would have liked to have started of my educational journey, but at least I’ll never forget it.

Lets Take a Walk

Come! Lets take a walk to the lake I live on.

First, let’s look both ways before crossing the street from my house. On the other side there is a small woods. We have to walk down the trail to get to the lake. Be careful though this isn’t the easiest path. You will have to grab trees for security as the downhill path is very steep. At least it’s not very long, only about two minutes, and it has been cleared making it easier to walk in flip-flops. Just watch out for sticks, rocks and bushes that can cut and bruise bare skin. Don’t run too quickly because when you come out of the path you will be on a set of train tracks. These old, rusty tracks will lead you right to the swimming spot. Just turn right and walk for about thirty seconds, you will see the “beach” area on your left hand side.

There is a little distance from the tracks and the beach that is filled with bushes, flowers and grass. Avoid the grass as insects such as mosquitos love to hang out in there. Stick to the sand and you’ll be fine.

It’s a tiny beach area is only about ten feet long, and about two feet is rock. I put my towel and water bottle down on the rock so they don’t get covered in sand. There is a small wharf that has washed to shore and floats in the shallowest of waters. That’s usually where my dog hangs out because she can’t swim. She wades out in the water only to her chest but it cools her down on these hot August days.

It must be at least 25 degrees today so thankfully I brought us inflatable tubes. Do you want the pink or blue one? I guess it doesn’t matter, let’s just get in.

Slowly entering the warm (I use this term loosely) water it tickles our legs as we step out deeper and deeper. Step carefully to avoid the rocks and seaweed that cover the lakes floor. Also have to keep an eye out for turtles and other creatures who reside in these waters. The fish can brush their slimy bodies against your legs, which will creep you out and not even faze them. I would recommend checking where you felt it because sometimes it can be leech. They don’t hurt as they bite down into your flesh and start sucking your blood, but aren’t pleasant either.

The next unpleasant experience you’ll have is when the water reaches you waist. You’ll notice an extreme temperature drop. The upper layers of the water have absorbed the suns heat but the bottom remains chilly. I suggest just diving in. Once submerged completely come back up and hop onto your tube. Swing your legs over the side, and plop your bum right in the centre hole. Now just lean your head back, close your eyes and let your mind drift with the currant.

The warmth of the sunshine feels so good. Even though I can see the damage it’s causing on my skin as it turns golden brow and begin to freckle, I can’t help but love that burning sensation. Other than bonfires, the smell of sunscreen and fresh water are my favorite summertime smells. They bring back childhood memories of being at the beach with my family, laughing, playing, and enjoying the beautiful summer months.

This is why I'm glad we moved to a lake, and I can now share these memories with you.